Ladies and gentlemen, gather ’round. Apple has done it again. The company that brought you the $999 monitor stand and the $19 polishing cloth has unveiled its latest creation: the iPhone 18 Pro and iPhone 18 Pro Max, starting at a perfectly reasonable $1,199 and $1,299 respectively.
That’s right, folks. For the low, low price of about eight months of groceries for a single adult, you too can own a device that will be outdated in exactly 11 months.
What a time to be alive.
The “Duo” Dilemma: Two Jobs, Two Kidneys, One Phone
Let’s address the elephant in the room, or rather, the “Duo” in the room. The internet, in its infinite wisdom, has already decided that the “Duo” branding means you’ll need two jobs to afford one. Some have joked you’ll need two kidneys. Others have pointed out that for the price of this phone in India (a cool ₹2,99,900), you could buy a Royal Enfield Himalayan motorcycle, fill the tank, and still have enough left over for a modest celebration dinner.
Think about that for a moment.
A motorcycle.
An actual vehicle that can take you places.
Versus a phone that will mostly take you to Twitter, where you’ll complain about how much you spent on your phone.
The Features You’ll Never Use (But Will Definitely Pay For)
Apple has graced us with the new A20 Pro chip, which is apparently 20% faster than the previous generation. Faster at what, you ask? At draining your bank account, mainly. But also at running AI features you’ll forget about after the first week.
The new variable aperture camera is genuinely impressive, it lets you switch between f/1.48 and f/4., giving you professional-level control over depth of field. You know who will actually use this feature?
Professional photographers.
You know who will buy this phone? People who take photos of their lunch and sometimes a blurry sunset.
The battery life has improved to 36 hours on the Pro and 45 hours on the Pro Max.
That’s genuinely useful, assuming you can resist the urge to check your phone every 47 seconds, which you probably can’t, since you’re reading this article on a device that’s likely within arm’s reach right now.
The Colors: Because That’s Why You’re Really Buying It
The iPhone 18 Pro comes in four colors: Black, Silver, Glacier, and Burgundy. Glacier is apparently “a sort of lilac,” while Burgundy is described as “a deep red finish”. Apple has cleverly renamed “blue” to “Glacier” and “dark red” to “Burgundy,” and somehow this justifies a $100 price increase over last year’s model.
Meanwhile, the internet has already noticed that the iPhone 18 Pro looks suspiciously similar to the iPhone 17 Pro, spawning memes comparing the two with the Spider-Man pointing meme and that Shah Rukh Khan makeover scene from Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi. When your flagship phone’s biggest visual upgrade is a new paint job, you might want to reconsider your life choices.
The “It’s Only $100 More” Trap
Apple’s marketing genius lies in making you believe that $1,199 is somehow reasonable because it’s “only $100 more” than the iPhone 17 Pro’s launch price. But here’s the thing: the iPhone 17 Pro still exists. It’s still excellent. And it’s now cheaper because it’s a year old.
The trade-in value situation is equally grim. According to resale data, the iPhone 17 Pro lost 40.8% of its value in the first year.
That means your $1,199 investment will be worth about $710 after 12 months, which is still more than most people’s monthly rent in some cities, but a lot less than what you paid.
The “Pro” Features You’ll Actually Use
Let’s be fair: the iPhone 18 Pro does have some genuinely useful upgrades. The smaller Dynamic Island now supports three Live Activities instead of two, which is great news for people who need to track their pizza delivery, their ride-share, and their existential dread all at once.
The new vapor chamber cooling system promises 40% better sustained performance, which means you can now play graphically intensive games for a bit longer before your phone gets uncomfortably warm.
Progress!
The A20 Pro chip’s 32-core neural engine offers twice the AI processing power, enabling features like on-device Siri AI that… will probably still misunderstand your requests, but at least it will do it faster.
The Environmental Angle: Because Guilt Is Free
Apple is quick to point out that the iPhone 18 Pro is made with 40% recycled content, including 100% recycled cobalt in the battery and 85% recycled aluminum in the enclosure. The company is also using 50% renewable energy across its supply chain.
This is genuinely commendable. It’s also a clever marketing strategy that makes you feel a bit better about spending more than a month’s rent on a phone. “But it’s eco-friendly!”
you’ll tell yourself, as you add another device to the 5 billion phones that will eventually become e-waste.
The Real Question: Do You Need This?
Here’s a radical suggestion: maybe you don’t need the iPhone 18 Pro. Maybe your current phone, the one you’re reading this on, is perfectly adequate. Maybe the photos it takes are fine. Maybe the battery lasts long enough. Maybe you don’t need variable aperture to capture your cat being adorable.
The average American keeps their phone for about 29 months, despite planning to keep it for 38 months. The average amount paid for a new phone is $634, significantly less than the iPhone 18 Pro’s starting price.
This suggests that most people are making rational decisions about their phone purchases, decisions that don’t involve spending $1,199 on a device that will be replaced by the iPhone 19 Pro in approximately 12 months.
The Verdict: Buy It If You Want, But Don’t Pretend It’s Rational
Look, if you have $1,199 burning a hole in your pocket and you genuinely want the iPhone 18 Pro, go for it. It’s a great phone. Apple makes excellent products. The variable aperture camera is genuinely innovative, the A20 Pro chip is impressively powerful, and the Burgundy color is quite lovely.
But let’s not pretend this is a rational purchase. Let’s not pretend you “need” it. Let’s not pretend that the $100 price increase is justified by features you’ll actually use. And let’s definitely not pretend that you won’t be having this exact same conversation next year when the iPhone 19 Pro comes out with slightly better specs and a new color that Apple has creatively renamed.
The iPhone 18 Pro Duo: because why have one job when you could have two? Because why have savings when you could have a slightly better camera? Because why make sensible financial decisions when you could have a really nice phone that you’ll accidentally drop within the first week anyway?
Available September 18th. Pre-orders start September 12th. Financial regret begins about 30 days later.
MAX JONES